My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
