I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
