Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
