when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
