Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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