apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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