She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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