vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
