I haven't been this sober since birth.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
