I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
