During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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