Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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