Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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