i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
