he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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