I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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