I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
