I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
