Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
