I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
