do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
