the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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