I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
