My underwear smells like fireworks.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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