News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
