What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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