Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
