pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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