I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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