The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
