So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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