you win again, gameday.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
