Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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