If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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