And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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