my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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