Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
