i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
