well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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