I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
