Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
