So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
