so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
