Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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