Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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