Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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