Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My bed smells like the plague
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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