i was born a porn star she said
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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