you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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