why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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