oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
